Rapid City financial advisor Kahler: Who’s really doing your holiday shopping? It might be your inner 4-year-old.
If you find holiday spending overwhelming, it might be time to ask yourself a question: Who is doing your shopping?
It may be an inner 4-year-old.
Most of us have an Internal Financial System™, a type of internal corporation that makes our financial decisions. Here’s the problem: that company is often run by children.
These children represent internal parts of yourself who hold money beliefs formed from your childhood experiences, including traumatic ones. Imagine a corporate boardroom occupied by kids of various ages who have locked the adult CEO (your Self) in the closet.
During the holidays, each kid has a loud opinion about how to spend your money. An Overexcited Giver, who thinks cost doesn’t matter because more gifts mean more happiness, may constantly urge, “Just one more!”.
You may have a People Pleaser who frets over whether Aunt Susie will like her scarf and insists the more expensive one is better. The Rebellious Teenager is likely to roll their eyes at all the chaos, pull out their smartphone and order takeout—or a video game for themselves. Their Christmas shopping solution? Don’t participate.
Meanwhile, the Piggy Bank Guardian lurks in the corner with a calculator. “Do you even know how much that costs?” they hiss. And the Worried Critic is just waiting for the credit card bill to land so they can scold, “What were you thinking?”
Letting these kids take over your seasonal spending is almost guaranteed to lead to regret. Yet putting them in timeout chairs to shut them up is not the answer, either. The solution isn’t about muffling them. It’s about convincing them to let you out of the closet and then stepping up as the calm adult leader of your own financial system.
This will require some reflection. Before you head to the mall or fall into an online shopping rabbit hole, take time to tune in to the chatter in your mental boardroom. Which voice is the loudest? The Overexcited Giver? The Rebellious Teenager?
Once you’ve identified the noisiest voice, it’s time to get curious. What might that People Pleaser really want? What could be behind the Worried Critic’s fears? Take time to explore the motives of various parts. This can help you see what’s really driving their stressful shopping behavior.
Almost always, they have the best of intentions. The Overexcited Giver just wants to spread joy. The Piggy Bank Guardian and Worried Critic are trying to protect your future. The Rebellious Teenager sees the importance of self-care and not losing yourself in the chaos.
It’s important to do this exploration with curiosity and compassion. Your aim is not to scold or stifle your various parts but to discover what truly matters to each one. Is it connection? Gratitude? Showing love through thoughtful gifts? Creating belonging?
When you can recognize the parts’ good intentions, it becomes easier to balance their needs without letting any one of them take over. You can let those positive values guide your choices and help you create a more intentional shopping plan.
Ultimately, the holidays aren’t really about the stuff we give. They’re about the connections those gifts represent. When your shopping is led by your clear, compassionate Self, it’s easier to focus on those connections and let your values guide your spending. You’ll likely end up with fewer regrets once the wrapping paper is in the trash.
As you work your way through your Christmas lists, notice who is making your shopping decisions. When your adult Self is in control of the company credit card, the kids in your internal boardroom are free to relax and enjoy the magic of the holidays.
Rick Kahler, CFP, is a fee-only financial planner and financial therapist with a nationwide practice, Kahler Financial Group, based in Rapid City. His co-authored books include Coupleship Inc. and The Financial Wisdom of Ebenezer Scrooge.
Photo: public domain, wikimedia commons
