For South Dakota humorist Dorothy Rosby, the best apps aren’t ‘applications.’ The best apps are ‘appetizers’

I recently had an experience that left no doubt in my mind that the world has changed, and me with it. And yes, I realize the world changed long ago. But I took a little more time.

Here’s what happened: I saw a magazine advertisement touting a restaurant’s carryout menu. The headline read, “Start your meal with one of these shareable apps.” And I thought, “Cool. If I lived near that restaurant, I could order carryout with a smartphone application.” Or at least I could if I was as smart as my smartphone. I probably am not, considering it took me an embarrassing amount of time to realize they didn’t mean apps, as in “applications,” they meant apps, as in “appetizers.”

How strange that I, who only updates my technological devices when the old ones stop working, would jump to the technology conclusion so fast. I’ve been eating regular meals for more than half a century, many of them at restaurants. That’s considerably longer than I’ve had a smartphone. Plus, given the choice between appetizers (like those pictured above in a public domain image posted on wikimedia commons) and applications, I would choose appetizers any day.

But there truly is an app for everything, including ordering food. An application (or “app”) is, of course, software that you can download onto your computer or cellphone to help you perform important tasks or waste monumental amounts of time, whichever the case may be.

With the right apps, you can use your phone to track your budget or play a rousing game of “Plants Versus Zombies.” You can plan your grocery list with your phone or pretend to shave with it. You can watch movies or navigate with map apps. You can; I can’t. How could I read a map on an itty-bitty screen when I can’t even read the old-fashioned variety on a giant sheet of paper? The only advantage I see to a map app is that I don’t have to fold it.

iPhone’s iDragPaper app allows the user to unroll a roll of toilet paper on your screen. Both cats and small children enjoy this activity in real life, but I don’t think many of them have iPhones. A friend of mine tried to convince her young granddaughter that unrolling a picture of toilet paper on her phone would be just as fun as unrolling the real deal. The child was unconvinced and I don’t think my cat would fall for it either.

The Weight Loss Coach app assigns simple daily tasks to help you create a healthier lifestyle, then tracks how well you’re doing right up until the moment you get annoyed with it and toss your phone into the dumpster behind the donut shop.

The myVertical app measures how high you jump, which is useful information if you’re a high jumper or a basketball player. For more height, you could just throw it in the air rather than putting it in your pocket like you’re supposed to, but that would be cheating. Also stupid. And unless you’re a really good catcher, it could render all your other apps useless.

iPhone’s HangTime app measures how long you and your device take to go up and come back down. This can be useful information if you’re a high jumper or a pole vaulter. But apparently there are those who, rather than putting their phone in their pocket while they jump, throw it directly into the air. That seems like cheating to me. Also stupid. And unless you’re a really good catcher, it could render all your other apps useless.

 Dorothy Rosby is an author and humor columnist whose work appears regularly in publications in the West and Midwest. You can subscribe to her blog at www.dorothyrosby.com or contact at www.dorothyrosby.com/contact.