Financial advisor Rick Kahler: Sometimes the long history of financial planning requires couples counseling

The last thing most financial planners, myself included, set out to be is a therapist for couples. Our training focuses on strategies for building wealth, retirement planning, and asset allocation, not handling the landmines that can cause conflict in a couple’s financial life. Facilitating partner disagreements (like the 19th century marital dispute pictured above in a public domain image posted on wikimedia commons) around money is nothing most advisors are trained in.

Yet couples make up a significant chunk of a financial planner’s clientele; most advisors work with couples every day. Over my 40 years in financial planning, I have witnessed more marital money arguments than I care to count. For years, whenever spouses started arguing over finances in my office, my body remained in the room but my mind was usually hiding under my desk.

It occurred to me a few years ago that I could use some new tools in my kit, so I signed up for a training program for therapists and practitioners certified in Internal Family Systems. While I still wouldn’t call myself a couples counselor by any stretch, the training gave me invaluable insights into how to facilitate difficult money conversations with couples.

As any financial life planner knows, couples’ money decisions and difficulties are not just about dollars and cents. They are about values, history, shared and conflicting money scripts, and emotional baggage, all wrapped up in a not-so-neat little package. When two people’s internal financial systems merge in a marriage or committed relationship, so do their money stories, insecurities, and personal definitions of financial “success.”

Financial disagreements are a common source of conflict between partners. According to a 2021 survey by the American Institute of CPAs (AICPA), 69% of married or cohabitating Americans reported having disagreements about finances in the past year. The most common disputes involved needs versus wants (36%), spending priorities (28%), and making purchases without prior discussion (22%).

Research shows that over 80% of financial decisions are made emotionally. When you put two people’s emotions together, one plus one equals a lot more than two. More often than not, disagreements over finances aren’t just about the money but stem from deeper issues — past experiences, ingrained beliefs, and hidden emotional wounding. For example, one partner might feel secure only with an aggressive retirement savings plan, while the other would prefer to enjoy spending more of their income in the here and now.

This is where the insights from my couples therapy course come in handy. Understanding how to help a couple explore each partner’s financial history and validate their goals and anxieties can make all the difference in helping them reach a middle ground without feeling sidelined or resentful.

Unfortunately, traditional education for financial planners doesn’t address any of that. The result is a wide gap where many couples need services but too many financial planners are flying blind when it comes to working through the financial relationship dynamics of two people instead of one.

Some in the industry are starting to recognize this gap and advocate for integrating financial therapy techniques into traditional planning. Nathan Gehring, a senior financial planner, likes to call it Therapeutically Informed Financial Planning, where planners are schooled in the skills to address the emotional as well as the financial dimensions of money. This is not about turning planners into therapists, but rather about equipping them with a new perspective that allows them to help clients manage financial conflict and align their visions in a way that makes sense for both partners.

For couples seeking a financial planner, finding someone with therapeutically informed skills can make all the difference in creating a more financially and emotionally comfortable relationship. Next week we will discuss the qualities to look for in such a planner.

Rick Kahler, CFP, is a fee-only financial planner and financial therapist with a nationwide practice, Kahler Financial Group, based in Rapid City. His co-authored books include “Coupleship Inc.” and “The Financial Wisdom of Ebenezer Scrooge.”