South Dakota humorist Dorothy Rosby discusses “poultry in motion” and other questionable Thanksgiving traditions
Apparently turkeys aren’t the only ones who aren’t keen on Thanksgiving. I recently stumbled on an article that listed Thanksgiving traditions the rest of the world—and even some Americans—find peculiar.
Some people interviewed for the article questioned the very motivation for the holiday. One American living in Costa Rica said her friends think it’s odd that we have a celebration focused entirely on “stuffing our faces.” They’re missing the point. That’s not what Thanksgiving is about at all. It’s about getting a day off work. And napping. Oh yes, and giving thanks. And anyway we’re not “stuffing our faces.” We’re enjoying ridiculous amounts of food in the company of people we love.
This person also said her friends wonder why there has to be a turkey involved. Well, of course there has to be a turkey (like the one pictured above in a public domain photo posted in wikimedia commons). If you roast a chicken you won’t have leftovers for the next two weeks.
Someone else criticized the use of marshmallows on sweet potatoes. As a marshmallow fan I don’t see the harm in it. I realize it gives the dish a bit of an identity crisis. It can’t decide if it’s a dessert or a side dish. But that’s all cleared up later when you serve the pie.
An immigrant interviewed for the article said he’s been living in America for seventeen years and he still can’t fathom why anyone would eat gravy. And he hasn’t even had mine.
I happen to think mashed potatoes and gravy make life worth living. But I did agree with some of the criticism directed at the Thanksgiving celebration. Another immigrant talked about his family’s first effort at a Thanksgiving feast. Practically in unison, all his family members spat their cranberries into their napkins. Cranberries are an acquired taste and I spent years trying to acquire it myself. I finally gave up. Now I just take extra stuffing.
One woman said that eating the Thanksgiving meal at three or four in the afternoon is no way to celebrate a holiday. I couldn’t agree more. Waiting to eat forces your guests to graze all morning. And overgrazing can lead to a loss of appetite by the time the meal is served. More disciplined guests may hold off on snacking, but as the smell of roasting turkey fills the house they get hungrier and grumpier. Who wants to be grumpy on a holiday? We have the whole rest of the year for that.
Several people wondered about the presidential pardoning of turkeys, which I also find strange. Since George Washington, presidents have had the constitutional power to pardon those who’ve committed federal offenses. Over time they’ve pardoned a lot of turkeys—and not just the feathered kind.
You don’t need pardoning unless you’ve committed a crime and it’s usually pretty clear what those “turkeys” have done. But as far as we know, the only crime Tom Turkey has committed is being born a turkey and that’s not a federal offense.
No one in the article mentioned what I consider the most bizarre of all Thanksgiving traditions: turkey bowling. There are variations, but basically the ball is a frozen turkey you fling toward ten large, unopened plastic soda bottles which serve as the pins.
I love to bowl. In fact for a few years whenever we spent the holiday with one branch of the family, it was our tradition to go bowling on the evening of Thanksgiving. You would think frozen turkey bowling would have been right up my…uh…alley.
But I once took part in a frozen turkey bowling fundraiser and my technique wasn’t exactly poultry in motion, maybe because my heart just wasn’t in it. Or maybe because I’m not that good a bowler.
But it bothers me to waste food and I doubted anyone was going to eat the turkey after twenty-five bowlers had spent the afternoon flinging it across the gym floor. On the other hand, it was nice to throw a Butterball instead of a gutter ball for a change.
Dorothy Rosby is a blogger and humor columnist whose column appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She’s the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books in Rapid City and on Amazon.
