Rapid City psychology researcher Heacock: Why boundaries help us forgive, erase fears and establish trust

When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.” — Brene Brown, “The Gift of Imperfection”

A therapist told a friend of mine that some things are unforgivable. She listed three abusive actions taken by my friend’s spouse that she should not forgive. I agreed that the actions in question were cruel and should certainly not be excused, overlooked, or condoned. The behaviors were hurtful and confirmation that her spouse could not be trusted. However … forgiveness is for people — not bad behavior.

People who are ignorant, stressed out, broken, struggling, hurting (words that describe all of us at some time or another) need forgiveness. We won’t move past bitterness and regrets until we learn how to forgive ourselves and others for the bad behaviors that come with being human. Forgiveness is about personal and spiritual growth.

We humans have the potential to become kinder and wiser, more respectful and understanding. However, during the process of becoming, we may be very irritating, disrespectful, unfair, cruel, and downright despicable. That’s why boundaries are so important. 

Bad behavior needs to be confronted and how we do it is crucial. Setting boundaries (as symbolized by the boundary sign above, a public domain image posted on wikimedia commons) doesn’t mean punishing people or telling them off; it means establishing consequences for hurtful actions. For example, I was caretaker for my father when, in his 90s, he needed assistance. My dad had many great qualities, but they didn’t include being calm and patient. He had trouble containing his anger and the aging process hadn’t helped. I didn’t want to feel like a victim — bitter and resentful — so I set boundaries. 

I did what I needed to do to feel good about the care I was providing, even if my father didn’t agree with my decisions. If Dad became angry, I kept calm and didn’t chastise him. I simply left, but came back later when he’d had a chance to calm down. 

Boundaries aren’t about what you do to someone. They’re about what you do for yourself. The boundaries I set with my father allowed me to be forgiving because I took away his power to hurt me. I didn’t feel like a victim because I’d taken responsibility for my choices.

“Those who get angry when you set a boundary are the ones you need to set boundaries for.” — J.S. Wolfe, “The Pathology of Innocence”

Setting boundaries takes courage. We likely will make someone mad, even though boundaries are good for all concerned.  Allowing unethical or abusive behavior to continue doesn’t help either party. It just reinforces bad behavior and allows it to continue.  

My friend won’t be able to forgive her spouse until she’s determined how to set boundaries that will protect her from getting hurt. She may need to end the relationship altogether. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to reconcile. It’s important to be safe and have healthy relationships. 

“Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.” — Eric Blair, aka George Orwell, 

George Orwell reminds us that if someone says they love us, but continually do things that hurt us, they don’t understand us. We rightly question love that doesn’t make an effort to care for us in a way that makes us feel valued and secure.

The forgiveness process helps us work through our fear and hurt. We experience growth as we learn more about ourselves and what we need for a life that provides us with dignity and supportive relationships.

Have you ever erupted in anger at someone? Was that someone not the cause of your anger but instead someone you felt secure around or who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? If we’re not courageous enough to confront the object of our hurt (perhaps they hold power over us, or perhaps we’re really mad at ourselves) we may displace our anger on those we believe will tolerate our bad behavior.

If we haven’t been honest with ourselves about the cause of our pain, the hurt we’re feeling builds up. The volcano inside us is in danger of exploding any minute. If we lock our emotions inside, they will devour us and cause physical health problems. Boundaries set in a compassionate, caring, firm manner help us avoid disaster. 

Establishing guidelines and limits helps us with difficult conversations.

Human beings will always have different perspectives and points of view and it’s important that we listen and understand each other. However, when people get insulting or threatening, communication breaks down and relationships collapse. 

We can establish boundaries by agreeing to take turns listening. If emotions get out of hand, time outs can be taken. Openness to growth and desiring stronger relationships are keys to effective communication.

Setting boundaries requires us to look honestly at the role we’ve played in a painful situation.

Some of my hardest forgiveness work is in gaining the humility to admit I could have handled a situation better; that I’m part of the problem. Being able to acknowledge “I should have spoken up” or “I shouldn’t have done that” is what leads to growth. 

Sometimes we become comfortable with our discomfort and lean into the definition of insanity credited to Albert Einstein: doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.  That’s when a new story is needed. One that looks at our situation from a different point of view and creates a new and improved chapter in our life journey.

Have the courage to address bad behavior while remembering we all need to forgive and be forgiven. We’re learning and need help on our individual paths. 

Healthy boundaries ease fears and establish trust. They set us on the path to genuine forgiveness.

 Christy Heacock, PhD, is an educator with a doctorate in research psychology. She is the author of Being Human Is Hard: Choose Forgiveness. She grew up in Redfield, SD, and has lived in Rapid City the last 40 years with her husband Roger. Contact Chris at christyheacock@gmail.com or through her website: chooseforgiveness.com.