Rapid City educator, author and psychology researcher Christy Heacock asks, why can’t we all just get along?
I’ve taught a variety of math and psychology courses to high school and college students over the years. Some people have been impressed that I teach math but unimpressed that I teach what they consider the trivial, common-sense subject of psychology.
However, we humans have figured out the math necessary for space travel, but still haven’t discovered how to live in peace. We’ve developed complex weapons of mass destruction (like the nuclear weapon pictured above in a public domain image posted on wikimedia commons) but remain baffled as to how to keep from using them. So I wonder, which is more difficult, more important: math or psychology?
Psychology is the scientific study of our mental states and processes as well as our behaviors. We’re affected by both our biology and our environment. In order to create an environment where we can all get along, we need to understand our neurobiology. We are less likely to be tricked or manipulated when we are aware of how our minds work. Without awareness, we may become captive to instincts and subconscious processes that may or may not be useful to us.
I’ve selected four human characteristics that affect our ability to get along, starting with what psychologists like to call our reptilian brain, the home of our survival instincts.
Survival instincts
Our reptilian brain contains our limbic system. It’s good at reacting quickly and spotting danger – real or imaginary. It’s essential to our safety, but it also gets us in lots of trouble when we aren’t in control of it. We should never make it our CEO (chief executive officer). When it comes to decision making, our cerebral cortex, which contains our frontal lobe and executive functions, is far better able to help us reach rational decisions.
When anxiety or fear is getting the best of us, we can find ways to calm ourselves and upshift our thinking to areas of the brain equipped for productive problem solving.
The binary instinct – us versus them thinking
Complex, deep thinking takes time and perseverance. It’s easier to put things in two distinct categories (black and white – no gray, please) and decide between them. So when it comes to issues, we are propelled by our genetics to either win or lose, be right or wrong.
For example. . . Immigrants are good or bad. My political party is good, the other one is bad. The people who hurt me are all bad, and I refuse to see any good in them. I’m too busy, perhaps too angry as well, to think any further. Quit bothering me with specifics or facts that go against what I believe is correct.
Mirror neurons - observational learning
We are copycats. This often works very well for us, which is why it’s part of our biological heritage. As children, we automatically learn by watching our parents and those around us. But as a parent, I sometimes resemble the remark, “If I can’t be a good example, at least I can be a horrible warning.” The world is full of poor role models. This, however, does not stop us from copying them. You insult me, I insult you back. You hurt me, I hurt you or whoever else happens to be handy.
Abused or oppressed people sometimes end up doing unto others the same immoral act as was done unto them, never thinking about how crazy it is to be mimicking bad behavior.
Need to belong – submission to authority
The greatest crimes in the world are not committed by people breaking the rules but by people following the rules. It’s people who follow orders that drop bombs and massacre villages. ― Banksy, Wall and Piece
We need each other. That can be a good thing. Or, as Banksy points out, it can be catastrophic. We follow authority so we can remain part of a group, so we can belong. It feels virtuous to know we’re one of the “good” people who follow our righteous leaders on what we’re convinced is the correct moral pathway.
We are led to believe there are exceptions to the Golden Rule; limits to values like forgiveness, compassion, and generosity. And so, we’re willing to kill and harm people we don’t know. People who are sons, daughters, mothers, fathers. Why?
Because we’re told it’s the right thing to do and we want to do the right thing.
The disappearance of a sense of responsibility is the most far-reaching consequence of submission to authority ― Stanley Milgram, Psychologist
Stanley Milgram researched obedience. You can read about his work here. He found that kind, caring people could do awful, mean things if ordered to do so by an authority figure they trust. We need to belong because we aren’t equipped to survive on our own. But if we want a peaceful world, a happy home, we will need to examine the directives we are given from authority sources and determine whether they truly match our values. We need to be careful who we follow.
How can we all just get along?
It’s the economy, stupid! Make war and violence less profitable.
Dwight D. Eisenhower, WWII general and former president of the United States, warned us about the military-industrial complex. Armament manufacturing and military bases play a huge part in our economy. If we were conducting our battles with dialogue and negotiations instead of guns, bombs, drones, etc., powerful people would fear for their bank accounts. The people making money on violence generally aren’t the ones suffering from PTSD, service-connected diseases or injuries, destruction of their homes and communities, loss of loved ones.
We obviously need a military and Eisenhower wasn’t talking about doing away with the defense industry. He was warning us of the need to be vigilant in monitoring the military-industrial complex because he recognized it was vulnerable to the abuse of power.
Dramatize More Stories of Peace, Justice, and Reconciliation.
Violent conflict resolution is profitable, plus dramatic and exciting. Brutal movies sell and appeal to our reptilian brain. War stories involving bravery and victory are inspirational. But if we really want to all get along, how about more moving, inspiring stories of courageous people who have achieved peace and justice through dialogue and finding common ground? Stories in which people have had the courage to humanize their “enemies” and solve problems nonviolently.
Fix the problem, not the blame
Blaming and shaming don’t lead to innovative solutions because they’re reactions, not answers. We’re mad because things didn’t go our way, so we get wrapped up in our egos, take offense, and end up off course, somewhere in the weeds.
One way to avoid this is by adopting what’s been called the Chatham House rule. The goal is to focus on the issue only, not individual personalities or labels. When you speak your opinion, your identity is protected (names are not connected to ideas), so you don’t have to worry about being attacked and you don’t have to compete for a win. You work to resolve an issue productively and remind yourself, “It’s not all about me.”
Teach the benefits of dialogue versus debate
Dialogue is a cooperative process with the goal of exchanging information and building a collective perspective. Debate is competitive and is often more concerned about winning than truth. Dialogue considers the dignity of all and involves civil discourse; debate often belittles the other person.
Civil discourse means constructive dialogue and that is much tougher than uncivil discourse, in which we give our reptilian brain free reign. Civil discourse means listening to different perspectives, respecting others, taming our fearful instincts, and putting time and effort into genuine understanding. We attack issues, not people. Tackle problems, not our neighbors. We’re more curious than judgmental; more compassionate than vengeful.
Math is important, but understanding psychology is essential to our survival.
Christy Heacock, PhD, is an educator with a doctorate in research psychology. She is the author of Being Human Is Hard: Choose Forgiveness. She grew up in Redfield, SD, and has lived in Rapid City the last 40 years with her husband Roger. Contact Chris at christyheacock@gmail.com or through her website: chooseforgiveness.com.
